to be or not to be

As I’m listening to some live recordings from Of Mice and Men, I am filled with a sudden urgency to be. It may sound counter intuitive to rush into being, but I have this dread that if I don’t, I will miss it somehow. I must travel, I must see, I must do, or else it will suddenly be gone. 

Every so often, I get lost in my own thinking and I find myself here– wanting to do everything there is to do, but knowing there is not enough time or space to do it. It becomes overwhelming and I feel that urgency, that need to run and be someone doing something somewhere else. I am not at all ashamed to admit that I live through my characters (It’s why I invent them!), but even they stay put within their walls of words. I have an inkling of hope that other people will read about them one day, but what if they don’t? What line will I have in the song that is replayed for future generations? I have the overwhelming urge to be great. I want to create great things, have a great family, and help people change themselves in great ways through my counseling work. I just want to do it all.

In a very simplistic way, a mirror was held up for me this week. I was restructuring the blog, trying to figure out how “seriously” I want to take myself, and where my focus should be. The best ones are primarily about one thing (cooking, writing, being a mom). I couldn’t choose. I want to do everything. I often talk to my spouse about this, and he listens better than anyone. I tell him I wish I had three more lives to live over again. In each one, we would meet and fall in love, but maybe under different circumstances. In each life I would be someone different, choose a different path, have different hobbies, live in Europe, etc. etc.

I guess this is what they call a quarter life crisis? Perfect, I should live to be 108! I want so many things in so many different places, and I don’t think there is a resolution to this. I’m not looking for a quick fix or solution to my desire to be. It is purely a matter of the heart– a way to say how it feels when it swells so big I can hardly keep it in my chest. I have a passion for life and for living, and at 27 I already fear I don’t have time to do it all.

I think I had a similar conversation with my husband at my 23rd birthday… it must be something about birthdays.

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